Friends

I got a call this morning from my Morganna queen of the faeries. She is one on the most magical people I know. It was amazing how after 3 months of her being away there was never any loss of connection. I feel like a years worth of activity has taken place but it only took my 15 minutes of rambling to have her fully caught up.

There are only so many people on this planet that you feel safe enough to have that deep of a connection with. The wonderful thing is that once you find one, more pop out of the wood work to join in.

We are all seeking love. To be connected at such a deep level that words are no longer needed, just the sound of their voice and suddenly all is understood, even from across the country, or the world.

To have this I have recently learned you have to be so open and so vulnerable that it no longer matters if you feel like you are breaking apart. Most people are so afraid of that openness, but in it we find our true self, our true strength and the silvery connection that binds us all. And from this view we see the pain of humanity and understand that nothing is ever about us but is only wounds being expressed to be healed. We are all hoping that by driving others away we will find that one person who will look back at us and say NO I won't leave.

what I want

I just found myself responding to a friends inquiry and felt the need to share as someone else out there in this big world might relate.

How do I know what I want?

Well this is a very difficult answer for me. Here is what I know. I know that when I get confused, angry or freaked out that I am not asking for what I want. Unfortunately this reaction usually has a negative effect on the person with me and I end up pushing them away and getting exactly what I don't want yet somehow think I deserve.

I had a hard childhood (we all did), I grew up in a emotionally needy yet detached family who had sever money issues and believe they would a) never get ahead and b) were haunted by familial beliefs of poverty and self denial. It has taken me 10 years of therapy just to be able to begin to identify these issues and start to move on them.

So how am I starting to understand what I want. I smile... I can help but smile when I see something or think about it. I feel peaceful (versus the butterflies I get when I state something I think I should want, or am offer something i don't want). When I have identified something I really want and start to think about how to get to it or obtain it things fall into place, the universe conspires to give it to me in strange and beautiful ways. And the most difficult one. I hurt... and I cry a lot... why? Because of the years that I have denied myself? No mainly because it hurts acutely to come back and love yourself enough to give it to yourself. So when the hurt is almost unbearable and I find myself smiling and crying at the exact same time I know I am in the exact perfect place and that I have begun to heal one more piece.

love happens

The Earth loves you!

do one thing today that shows you return her love.